Never give up. When your heart becomes tired, just walk with your legs - but move on.
– Paulo Coelho
Let me share a little of a very personal experience that I consider as one of the major turning points in my life. Heart issues and more…
For many years, I’ve kept my heart guarded. I tried to open it up once and I had my first share of heartbreak. No, he was not my first boyfriend but I consider him my first love. It took me years before I was able to say I’m all ok. The difficulty was due to the fact that we started out as good friends, for a time we consider each other as bestfriends. It was hard so I decided to take on the defensive side, not entertaining anyone until the time I know that I am actually and really ready.
Just last year, I started living alone. I went to Manila to start my climb in the corporate ladder. Though it was not my first time away from home, it was different. I don’t have the company of my dependable friends, I cannot just go home anytime I want, simply said…I’m bracing myself for a bitter taste of life (that was how the pessimistic me would describe it that time). To beat loneliness I rummage through my phonebook, search FB and asked friends for contacts and exact location of friends who I might get in touch and meet regularly. Being a fan of FRIENDS, How I met your mother and Sex & the City, I wanted to have my own circle of friends as I try to survive the concrete jungle of Makati. Thank God he blessed me with amazing friends but since my house is normally an hour trip (considering traffic) away from most of them, I tend to just stay at home (there goes my fantasy). Until mid-August I met with two of my good friends since high school. We catch up and they were kidding me how I’m still “single since birth”. They suggested that I start to entertain textmates and I welcomed the idea. Little did I know that my friend actually took it seriously, the day after, somebody texted.
For six weeks, we text, talk and on few time he’s in Manila, we’d meet. I enjoyed conversing with him and felt connection. I saw in him the qualities I was looking for in a guy. Even if everything happened quite fast, I immediately embraced the idea that I might have found my Mr. Right. When I ran out of excuses not to blurt out my feelings, I finally said “I love you too”. It was not the ideal courtship; I don’t even think a courtship took place. But what can I do? I fell for him; he really knows how to get a girl’s heart. For a month, I was on bliss, so happy that everyone can see it in my face. It was a whirlwind of emotions; I feel loved and was insecure at the same time. I know how dispensable I am considering the girls who are willing to wait in line for him to entertain. Yes, it was an unhealthy relationship. Even from the start, I knew it won’t last but I liked the feeling so I took the risk. I was fooled and I allowed myself to be so. It was bound to end but I was hoping for a happy ending; we’d end it, hug it out and be friends afterwards. Unfortunately, it was the total opposite. Just after our first month, he was cold; he limited the non-stop texting to 2 texts a day for 3 days until I did not hear from him. He fell out of love that was my conclusion. My heart was already breaking because I know that my “happy ending” is impossible. Then came the dreaded day and it was in the guise of an FB private message. He ended it. I’m officially brokenhearted. I cried for days. The “falling out of love” was easier to accept but the change in the daily routine was a major adjustment for me. Things changed drastically. The first week was bearable because I was in the company of good friends who were staying with me then but when they left, I broke down. I tried to be strong but that time, I can’t help myself. I texted him, begging for an explanation. As expected, I did not hear from him. A lot happened the next 6 weeks. I almost thought we could be friends but I guess it was not really bound to happen. Definitely, I have to end it. End every connection with him. Forget that I actually knew him. Harsh, but that made things easier for me.
My heart was tired for many weeks and as I meet the New Year, I have to make the hard decision of walking away from the pain and memories of my first serious heartbreak. That experience taught me a lot of lessons. It has drawn me closer to God. My vulnerabilities were revealed. I felt how loved I am even in a “not romantic way”. I know God is making me a stronger woman through this.
I’ve been saying that I have moved on but actually I have not. I am still in the process of moving on. My story may sound funny to many. It was a very short relationship yet the moving on process took longer than the relationship itself. I’m just emotional and I do take things too seriously. However, I know that I’m in a much better position now than how I used to be. I am stronger. I am wiser. I learned the value of patience and good judgment the hard way.
